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All Deviations
All Deviations




It used to be the light we see
Would shine a little more
But nowadays there's such a haze
That no-one can ignore
It's kind of hard the see the shards
Of light that peirce the cloud
I would speak out ot try to shout
But no, that's not allowed.

I'd like to hide from every side
And let it blow away
Yet every time there's such a crime
They ask me what I'd say
I want to lie (sometime I try)
It's hard to please the crowd
"You know you can't" the people chant
Because that's not allowed.

It's such a deal to know what's real
The essence of our make
We're so inept we can't accept
The thought of one mistake
It's only fine to praise divine
With head and spirit bowed
They could be joint I try to point
But no, that's not allowed.

Technology is part of me
This truth do I confess
Our mobile tones become our bones
Without them we regress
Yet science paves a path of graves
The facts within a shroud
They'd gladly sell the ringing bell
And somehow that's allowed.

The Corporate plants perform a dance
Upon the soil that soaked
With filth and mud and dirty blood
The cloud of which I spoke
It's just a pain financial gain
Is that which makes us proud
I'd like to prove that values move
But no, that's not allowed.

I'd like to shout this message out
And find the bell that tolled
I want to live and try to give
For time is growing cold
I'd love to fly the banner high
To do what's not allowed
Instead I long to focus on
The lights that pierce the cloud.
©2006-2008 ~gingerpeace
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Submitted: March 24, 2006
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Author's Comments

I've written this over the last few days. Started writing it in a Lecture about Lyrical Techniques. I Know that this isn't perfect. But I thought about the words before I put them down rather than just thinking of a good rhyme. Each verse has a seperate meaning from the last one and I tried to convey a different subject with each verse. So here it is - the product of thought as oppose to nature.

One last thing - Please don't just comment saying that's it's good - I know it's good. If you must say it then do so - but please also comment with some sort of critisism (constructive).

Peace
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~rofo:iconrofo: Mar 24, 2006, 1:19:08 AM
Well the first thing that strikes me is the abundance of modesty evident in your comments :P

Apart from that:

Stanza 1, line 7, has a typo `ot` instead of `to`
Stanza 4, line 2, "This truth do I confess" could sound as if it's posed as a question, which is I don't think was your purpose after just stating that technology is indeed part of you. Pehaps "This truth I do confess" wounds better and may clear it up.
Stanza 4, line 5 "Yet science paves a path of graves" is well put.
Stanza 4, lines 6-7:"The facts within a shroud, They'd gladly sell the ringing bell" I'm not quite sure what the ringing bell is in reference to, although that's probably more a fault of mine than a fault in the work.
Stanza 4, line 8 "And somehow that's allowed" while being a nice way to add emphasis and a conclusion to the pattern, it does feel a little out of place as the next stanza concludes with "But no, that's not allowed" again. Of course, if you were to switch the stanzas then it wouldn't flow from technology and science to the corporate dance, so I'm not really sure what to suggest there.

All in all it's an interesting concept and perhaps metaphor, depending on what exactly you were drawing comparisons between in reference to the cloud. Well written, although as you said the rhyme doesn't flow quite perfectly. Nice ^_^
~gingerpeace:icongingerpeace: Mar 24, 2006, 2:36:37 AM
Thank you for being honest man - I can see eveything that you are saying about it - especially the spelling mistake =p

The main reason that I was "modest" (immodest? un-modest?) was that If I ask for critisism I don't want everyone to just type - That's cool man, or - nice poem, and stuff like that - I already know it's good, I want to know how to make it better.

--
Way too cool for shameless self promotion.

OMG!! CLICK HERE -->[link]
~rofo:iconrofo: Mar 24, 2006, 11:51:02 AM
You're welcome, although I figured you'd probably already spotted the typo and had been more harsh on your work yourself in the construction as most creative people are. Actually, I'm not very creative at all so I guess I can't speak on behalf of those that are :P

As far as the modesty goes, I realised what you were getting at, and it's fair enogh to want decent critique on your works, I was just taking the piss seeing as that comment stood out :P
=kagrmom:iconkagrmom: Apr 1, 2006, 7:04:36 AM
What can I say except that it is a perfect message to send to the world. No one will listen, however.
I found it just a bit sing-songy but that couldn't be helped with all you were trying to say. I like it very, very much and I agree totally that the Big Businesses are ruining the world not just our country. And they have bought the politicians that make the laws.

:hug:

--
mari



A man's home is his castle.....let him clean it........anon
~gingerpeace:icongingerpeace: Apr 1, 2006, 8:05:17 PM
Thank you very much.

--
Way too cool for shameless self promotion.

OMG!! CLICK HERE -->[link]