It used to be the light we see
Would shine a little more
But nowadays there's such a haze
That no-one can ignore
It's kind of hard the see the shards
Of light that peirce the cloud
I would speak out ot try to shout
But no, that's not allowed.
I'd like to hide from every side
And let it blow away
Yet every time there's such a crime
They ask me what I'd say
I want to lie (sometime I try)
It's hard to please the crowd
"You know you can't" the people chant
Because that's not allowed.
It's such a deal to know what's real
The essence of our make
We're so inept we can't accept
The thought of one mistake
It's only fine to praise divine
With head and spirit bowed
They could be joint I try to point
But no, that's not allowed.
Technology is part of me
This truth do I confess
Our mobile tones become our bones
Without them we regress
Yet science paves a path of graves
The facts within a shroud
They'd gladly sell the ringing bell
And somehow that's allowed.
The Corporate plants perform a dance
Upon the soil that soaked
With filth and mud and dirty blood
The cloud of which I spoke
It's just a pain financial gain
Is that which makes us proud
I'd like to prove that values move
But no, that's not allowed.
I'd like to shout this message out
And find the bell that tolled
I want to live and try to give
For time is growing cold
I'd love to fly the banner high
To do what's not allowed
Instead I long to focus on
The lights that pierce the cloud.













Devious Comments
Apart from that:
Stanza 1, line 7, has a typo `ot` instead of `to`
Stanza 4, line 2, "This truth do I confess" could sound as if it's posed as a question, which is I don't think was your purpose after just stating that technology is indeed part of you. Pehaps "This truth I do confess" wounds better and may clear it up.
Stanza 4, line 5 "Yet science paves a path of graves" is well put.
Stanza 4, lines 6-7:"The facts within a shroud, They'd gladly sell the ringing bell" I'm not quite sure what the ringing bell is in reference to, although that's probably more a fault of mine than a fault in the work.
Stanza 4, line 8 "And somehow that's allowed" while being a nice way to add emphasis and a conclusion to the pattern, it does feel a little out of place as the next stanza concludes with "But no, that's not allowed" again. Of course, if you were to switch the stanzas then it wouldn't flow from technology and science to the corporate dance, so I'm not really sure what to suggest there.
All in all it's an interesting concept and perhaps metaphor, depending on what exactly you were drawing comparisons between in reference to the cloud. Well written, although as you said the rhyme doesn't flow quite perfectly. Nice ^_^
The main reason that I was "modest" (immodest? un-modest?) was that If I ask for critisism I don't want everyone to just type - That's cool man, or - nice poem, and stuff like that - I already know it's good, I want to know how to make it better.
--
Way too cool for shameless self promotion.
OMG!! CLICK HERE -->[link]
As far as the modesty goes, I realised what you were getting at, and it's fair enogh to want decent critique on your works, I was just taking the piss seeing as that comment stood out
I found it just a bit sing-songy but that couldn't be helped with all you were trying to say. I like it very, very much and I agree totally that the Big Businesses are ruining the world not just our country. And they have bought the politicians that make the laws.
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mari
A man's home is his castle.....let him clean it........anon
--
Way too cool for shameless self promotion.
OMG!! CLICK HERE -->[link]
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